2014)

The last 18 months living with our eldest dog Phoebe have not been easy. Watching a dog you love suffer. And yet not being able to really do anything about it. Not being able to just ask her how she feels. The last two months harder still. But today was the hardest of all.

She came to us in April 2002. Just four weeks old she had been dropped off at the local animal hospital. She had been abused. We met her and though we had two other large dogs at the time, Casey and Kilgore, we thought about it, and decided we would give her a home. But before we could pick her up, another family said they wanted her. We stepped back thinking she’d found a perfect home. But then a week later she was returned to the hospital, again abused. We picked her up that day.

It was April 1st, 2002. And though we didn’t really know know what her birthday was, we decided it would be Valentine’s Day.

A photo that was shown to us of Phoebe before we even met her.

Kris came up with her name. I actually wanted to call her Winona Ryder. (No joke.)

My favorite memory of Phoebe was of course when she misbehaved. I had been in LA shooting a film and was home for a few days. All I wanted was some amazing New Haven brick oven apizza. We sat down to dinner. Because we eat so late, we almost always do so sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table and TV. I had my first four slices on my plate. I ran back to the fridge for a beer, but when I returned only three places sat on my plate. Casey and Kilgore looked mortified. Despite the food being right at their level, they knew better. But there was Phoebe munching down that piece of pie. She was young. She hadn’t learned the rules yet.

She’d always been our difficult dog. Moody, often times bitchy, and certainly neurotic, she was also loving, loyal, and, well, our 75 pound lap dog. She was the best blanket in the world on a cold New England night. And damn if she didn’t love having those floppy ears scratched.

Casey certainly loved her as if she were her own pup. They would have epic races in the yard as to which of them could get to the tennis ball or frisbee in our back yard first. Casey would usually win, sometimes I think towards the end it was because Phoebe let her. Kilgore would rarely partake. If he did if was usually to snatch the toy away, go lie under a tree, and chew it to pieces.

I will always remember the night Casey died in March of 2006. Kilgore was barking his head off at 3 in the morning. I came downstairs to find Phoebe cowering under the table, and Kilgore running to me, then running into the living room, and back again. He brought me to Casey, who had passed without warning.

I know they both missed Casey in their own way, but Phoebe especially turned into a loner dog. Kilgore didn’t have much patience, and by this time he was a grumpy old man. And when his turn came in October 2008, I honestly think Phoebe truly enjoyed her life most for a few months there as an only dog.

Always my favorite photo of Phoebe. Feel it really captures her personality.

Then we brought Springsteen home, and the epic races for the tennis ball started up again, and once again the younger dog would let the older dog win.

Phoebe was definitely a people dog. Not all that fond of other animals, she just wanted attention. She just wanted a treat. She just wanted to play ball. She was a lab/hound mix, gangly and beautiful.

In recent months, though she could barely walk, she’d still bring you a tennis ball out in the yard and drop it right at your feet. I would always toss it lightly. And despite her trouble in retrieving it, she’d bring it right back and wait for me to toss it again. The joy she received from playing ball outweighed any pain she might have been feeling.

I even played ball with her out in the rain this morning. One last time. Though after bringing the ball back to me twice, she gave up. The pain was finally winning out.

I hope she can chase balls for eternity on the other side. With Casey once again running by her side. And hopefully Kilgore will wait a bit, enjoying the reunion, until he snatches away the ball and chews it to bits.

I hope we came through for her and gave her the life she deserved.

I hope she’s not suffering anymore.

R.I.P. Phoebe.

Phoebe earlier today. (It has already been a very long morning.)

On the 5th anniversary of Kilgore’s passing…

The fifth anniversary…

The day my dog Kilgore Trout died.

A lot of people have died during my life. Almost all of my family, the people I grew up with, many good friends as well. But none haunt me as much as Kilgore. I still think about him every day. Still call Springsteen by Kilgore’s name at least a few times a week. Still…

He will forever own a piece of my heart. Perhaps the short film I made with him and Casey can sort of explain why. (It’s at the very end of this post.)

What follows (below the photo of my tattoo, and the shot of Kilgore which inspired it, which did not come from the film mentioned above) is one of the best thing I feel I’ve ever written . . . certainly the most heartfelt. I present it again, as I have every years since his death, as originally written. Hug your pet, grab a box of tissues and read on . . .

My first tattoo (at the age of 50), placed so that Kilgore can peek out from under my shirt sleeve and still make me laugh.

Kilgore jumping. Casey is not amused.

A tumor the size of a grapefruit. I saw it on the x-ray, filling the space between his liver, his spleen, and his stomach. Perhaps encroaching on his lungs as well. Suffocating Kilgore Trout from the inside out.

At first we thought it was a reaction to Previcox. A drug given to him just about four weeks ago to help with his hips. He was having the worst time walking, this glorious pup who would jump, would bounce, like on a trampoline whenever he saw me.

(watch the clip that now opens my website as proof . . . t’s 45 seconds that will make you smile.)

At first the drug did wonders, until he stopped eating, starting vomiting. Side effects all, so many serious side effects. How could this fucking killer pill be on the market?

I am angry. I am seething. I know Previcox did not kill my dog, but it certainly didn’t help there in the end. A shot of Pepcid did for a while. But still the appetite nowhere near the vacuum cleaner-like enthusiasm with which he used to eat. Less and less every day. And the vomiting returned. Bile, from his mostly empty stomach.

More Pepcid. But it didn’t seem to help this time. Finally a trip to the vet. You could see it in her face as she checked him stomach. Perhaps we should get him x-rayed…now. The normally busy hospital would take us NOW.

So I dropped my wife at home so she could tend to our other dog, and drove Kilgore down to Central Hospital in New Haven. It was quick. He sat by my feet afterwards as I waited on word. The receptionist said the vet wanted to speak with me. She gave me the news. None of it good.

How long does he have? I asked. A few days, was the response. Or perhaps to the beginning of next week. (This was a Thursday.) The x-ray technician showed me the tumor. It was massive. All encompassing. There was nothing to do but make him comfortable during his last few days.

But a small meal of Kentucky Fried Chicken pulled from a breast was all he could manage. A few strips of it really. And a little water to follow. That would be his last meal. My dog who could eat anything and everything, from a full edition of the Sunday New York Times to financial magazines (he especially loved to “tear into” MONEY and KIPLINGER’S) to, well…anything he could find in the yard., gross or not.

Whenever I put a 12-pack of beer away, he’d wait patiently, then snatch the empty box as I pulled out the last beer and put it into the fridge. Then he’d play keep-away with it, or tug-of war. Or he’d lie right down and start ripping it to confetti. He especially loved Rolling Rock boxes.

But he could eat anything and everything, always without repercussion. Now, nothing…

He walked around on his own on Friday. Venturing out into the yard, up on the couch with a little help. He wagged his tail, but mostly slept a lot.

That night, Friday, what would be his last night (october 24), I slept on the couch with Mr. Trout. Well, he slept on the couch. I was mostly on the coffee table, but that was ok. He rested his chin on my leg, I scratched him behind his ear.

My wife and I kept asking anyone we knew…how would we know when it was time to put him to rest? Well, he told us.

Kilgore got up twice that night, went out into the yard, slowly, but surely. But then came the morning. Almost two days now without food or water. And when it came time for him to go outside, he made it through the door, but had to lie down after only a few steps. He couldn’t get up. We knew…

We had already made an appointment at the vet for Saturday morning. Originally for a check up to see if there was anything else we could do. But now I needed to call them, and change the appointment until late in the day. The last appointment of the day.

He couldn’t really walk, so I carried my friend out to my Jeep and laid him down in the back. And, the three of us took his final ride. My wife sat in the back with him, as I went into the vet office to make sure everything was ready. Then I carried him in and laid him on the table.

After a while the vet came in an asked if we were ready. No, how could anyone ever be ready? But I knew he was in pain, I knew he was so tired, and I certainly didn’t want that thing inside of him to burst.

He lay, as he always did at night, two paws straight out in front, his chin resting perfectly centered between them. I squatted down so that I was nose-to-nose with my friend. He never took his eyes off me as the doctor administered the drug that would put him to sleep.

When his eyes finally closed, I kissed his head. Something he so hated until a few weeks ago. I’d always do it at night, and he rub at the top of his head with his paws as if I’d given him cooties, or something. It was a ritual. But he was wagging tail. And in my heart I always believed he was perhaps embarrassed in front of the other dogs, like why was I kissing his head in public?

But this would be the last time I’d get to kiss the top of Kilgore’s head.

Goodnight, my sweet prince, perhaps one day we’ll meet up on the other side.

(i.miss.you.)

(so.fucking.much.)

Remembering Casey

Seven years ago tonight, it was about 3 am, give or take, a few hours from now, we were awoken by frantic barking from our dog Kilgore Trout, who rarely if ever barked. I went downstairs to see what was wrong, and found our puppy Phoebe cowering under the kitchen table, and when I turned the corner I understood why. Our oldest dog, our first, Casey, was lying dead in the living room. A little over twelve years of age she had just up and died in the middle of the night. Lying by the entrance to the dining room, in one of her favorite spots.

I do often think back to that day to see if there were any clues. If I had missed anything. I remember playing ball with her just the day before. She ran and retrieved like the puppy she still was at heart. Yet that morning of her death she was walking slowly. But not slowly enough to cause concern, she was after all twelve. That day I do remember giving her a treat, which she didn’t gobble right down. In fact it took her a while to eat it. And this was a dog who never turned down food. I remember standing, suddenly worried. Not eating was a bad sign, right? But watching me, Casey suddenly gobbled the treat right down, and I was immediately relieved. Had she sensed my panic?

That night, instead of jumping on the sofa to watch TV as she did on most nights, she sat on the floor by Kris’ feet. She felt a little older than usual to us that night. I remember even Kris saying that night, as she stroked Casey’s head, “I’m not ready for you to go.”

Casey really was out smartest child. If she in fact had been human, and at times we certainly felt as if she was, she’d have been the one to graduate from Yale with more degrees than one could understand. She knew when something was wrong, and she acted upon it immediately. If you were sad, she was there right by your side, as if she knew what you were thinking. She was protective. I always believed if anyone came near us in a threatening manner she’d have died trying to protect us. She even protected Kilgore once against another aggressive dog, taking that pooch, turning it on its back, and holding it there. She ruled the roost when it came to the three dogs. She was without question the boss. But still very much that little black snow-covered puppy whose photo I’ve published so many times (see banner above), even at twelve. (How I adore that scowl in her face, even at eight weeks she knew it was silly to be outside in the snow for a silly photograph.)

I was thinking the other day about how none of my shoes are scuffed like when we had Casey. I would often sit on the sofa to write on my laptop, and just drive her nuts by stepping on a tennis ball the whole while. She could spend an hour doing anything and everything to get that ball from under my foot, usually at the cost of my shoes. But the amusement it gave both of us was more than worth it.

Or her excitement at even the whisper of the word “squirrel.” And I would often more than whisper it. “Oh, my God, there’s a squirrel in the yard.” She would go bonkers, jumping up onto the bay windowsill to get a better look, running to the door to the back yard, and back again. She actually never caught one of those evil squirrels, but not for want of trying.

She wanted to be with you all the time. And though she understood we slept upstairs, once we were awake, there was no excuse. And she knew immediately. It became a joke between Kris and myself. If we were awake, we had to be completely silent. No walking to the bathroom. No turning on the radio. No talking even. Because as soon as Casey heard a peep, she’d want in on the action.

Perhaps like all of us, she didn’t want to be alone.

The night she died, I knelt by her side, and closed her eyes, suddenly feeling completely helpless. Sobbing, I ran back upstairs to tell Kris that Casey was dead. I felt like some very important part of me died with her. And perhaps for a while it did. Kris came downstairs, we wrapped her in a red blanket, one which she loved to chew, carried her out to the car, and took her to the emergency animal hospital. Kris drove, because on that night I couldn’t. Our vet explained that a tumor that we knew nothing about had burst and she bled out. And there was nothing we could have done.

The next day we couldn’t function. I so remember getting a vegetarian sandwich from Edge of the Woods in New Haven. A sandwich we both loved and would usually split. And sitting there sobbing as we tried to eat, we stared out that bay window, wondering who would protect us from the squirrels now. We never did order one of those sandwiches again.

When Kilgore passed two and a half years later, I looked back on that night and realized Casey died that way to save us the pain of seeing her slowly fail, as we just had with Kilgore. She was that sort of dog. Protecting us even from the pain of watching her die.

Casey was our first dog. She made us both better people. More understanding, more patient, more loving.

I miss you, girl…

A Dog Named Gucci

For about a year now I’ve been talking with my wife and my crew about changing gears. I love rock ‘n’ roll, anyone who knows my work, who knows me, knows that without question. Finding the next great new band (this year it’s Waxahatchee and in second place The Orwell’s) is a passion and commitment I take as seriously as a brain surgeon about to open up someone’s head.

But after three rock documentaries I knew it was time to do something with a little more weight. Something that might help make this world a better place. And I knew, without question, that the subject would be about dogs. I do truly believe dogs make us better people. To paraphrase an old Bogart quote, I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs. They love us unconditionally, and don’t care if we’re living in our car or in a mansion. They just want to be by our side. They protect us, makes us laugh, and just generally make life better. No matter what sort of mood I’m in, my dogs can improve it.

Time to pay them all back.

I had been searching for a subject. Shelters seemed obvious. And though they had been the subject of other documentaries, none of those were very well made. In fact, I’m rather amazed that there has never been a great dog doc.

Then, shortly before we were leaving for a 20th anniversary vacation, my wife Kristine, who’s even more passionate about the subject than I am, sent me a link. Let me preface this by saying, I’ve asked her not to send me these things. Pages set up for abused or murdered animals. It makes me so angry I can’t see straight. And when it began happening recently in my back yard (Desmond who was strangled, Precious who was stabbed 29 times), it makes me want to hunt the perpetrators down and do to them what they did to their dogs. But after a few hours, I calm down…I know my best revenge is a great film.

Which leads me to Gucci. After sending that link, Kris told me to read it. It had a happy ending. So I did. And I immediately knew what the subject of my next film would be.

Here’s the KickStarter link. It explains everything. Please consider pre-ordering a DVD or poster, or any of the other great rewards. Please pass the link along to anyone who might appreciate what we’re doing. Please feel free to post it anywhere.

http://www.aDOGnamedGUCCI.com

Thank you.

In memory…

Four years now…

The day my dog Kilgore Trout died.

A lot has happened. Mostly for the good. As if Kilgore (and perhaps his older sister Casey) were watching over me and Kris. I’ll be announcing my next documentary in the coming weeks. Not another rock doc. This time I’m taking on a much weightier subject. I’m pretty sure Kilgore would approve. Perhaps he’s the one who led me in that direction.

I still think about him every day. I wish he were here to hang with Springsteen, who is in so many ways a baby Kilgore. I just wish he were here, period.

What follows (below the photo of my tattoo, and the shot of Kilgore which inspired it) is one of the best thing I feel I’ve ever written . . . certainly the most heartfelt. I present it again as originally written. Hug your pet, grab a box of tissues and read on . . .

Kilgore Tattoo — My first tattoo (at the age of 50), placed so that Kilgore can peek out from under my shirt sleeve and still make me laugh.

Kilgore Can Jump-small — Kilgore jumping. Casey is not amused.

(watch the clip that now opens my website as proof . . . t’s 45 seconds that will make you smile.)

At first the drug did wonders, until he stopped eating, starting vomiting. Side effects all, so many serious side effects. How could this fucking killer pill be on the market?

But he could eat anything and everything, always without repercussion. Now, nothing…

He walked around on his own on Friday. Venturing out into the yard, up on the couch with a little help. He wagged his tail, but mostly slept a lot.

My wife and I kept asking anyone we knew…how would we know when it was time to put him to rest? Well, he told us.

But this would be the last time I’d get to kiss the top of Kilgore’s head.

Goodnight, my sweet prince, perhaps one day we’ll meet up on the other side.

(i.miss.you.)

(so.fucking.much.)

Kilgore chewing on a Tab bottle as Casey investigates

Inked Magazine

To say that I love both the article and the photo in the May 2012 issue of Inked Magazine is a complete understatement. Thank you!

Profile in Inked Magazine

My saddest anniversary.

This is now the three year anniversary of one of my saddest days. The day my dog Kilgore Trout died.

Time doesn’t seem to erase how much I still miss him. And as I said last year, I don’t think a day has passed since in which I haven’t missed the way he always made me laugh. What follows (below the photo of my tattoo, and the shot of Kilgore which inspired it) is one of the best thing I feel I’ve ever written…certainly the most heartfelt. I present it again as originally written. Hug your pet, grab a box of tissues and read on…

(watch the clip that now opens my website as proof…it’s 45 seconds that will make you smile.)

At first the drug did wonders, until he stopped eating, starting vomiting. Side effects all, so many serious side effects. How could this fucking killer pill be on the market?

But he could eat anything and everything, always without repercussion. Now, nothing…

He walked around on his own on Friday. Venturing out into the yard, up on the couch with a little help. He wagged his tail, but mostly slept a lot.

My wife and I kept asking anyone we knew…how would we know when it was time to put him to rest? Well, he told us.

But this would be the last time I’d get to kiss the top of Kilgore’s head.

Goodnight, my sweet prince, perhaps one day we’ll meet up on the other side.

(i.miss.you.)

(so.fucking.much.)

The making of COLOR ME OBSESSED – part 13

Next up on that long day in Boston, Mike Gent of the Figgs, another big fan, who of course also backed Tommy Stinson on one of his solo tours. This was the first day interview where we realized we’d have a very pet friendly film on our hands, as I had to make the decision to allow pets (dogs mainly) to roam free, sit on sofas, etc. Or not. Well, anyone who knows me knows my decision.

Mike has this great old black pooch that kept jumping up onto the couch, chewing its Kong, coming over to the camera. Basically being a dog. He would be the first of many such canine cameos in CMO. And I truly believe they add a more human dimension to the film.

Mike told this great story about always searching for a copy of ALL SHOOK DOWN on vinyl. (It was never originally released on vinyl in the states.) Well, when in England on tour he found a copy. He was so excited he actually opened the album on the plane ride home, just to look at the record and insert. He found it a little strange that while there were grooves for six tunes on side one, there were only grooves for five tunes on side two. And ASD had thirteen tracks in all. When he got home he quickly discovered why. While side one was the first six songs of The Replacements’ last album, side two was inside a Kenny Rogers/Dolly Parton album. A mistake from the factory where the vinyl was pressed.

Kilgore revisited

This is the two year anniversary of one of my saddest days. The day my dog Kilgore Trout died. I don’t think a day has passed since in which I haven’t missed the way he always made me laugh. I even had him tattooed to my forearm, so on dark days his face would peek out over my sleeve and crack me up. What follows (below the photo of my tattoo, and the shot of Kilgore which inspired it) is one of the best thing I feel I’ve ever written…certainly the most heartfelt. I present it again as originally written. Hug your pet, grab a box of tissues and read on…

(watch the clip that now opens my website as proof…it’s 45 seconds that will make you smile.)

At first the drug did wonders, until he stopped eating, starting vomiting. Side effects all, so many serious side effects. How could this fucking killer pill be on the market?

But he could eat anything and everything, always without repercussion. Now, nothing…

He walked around on his own on Friday. Venturing out into the yard, up on the couch with a little help. He wagged his tail, but mostly slept a lot.

My wife and I kept asking anyone we knew…how would we know when it was time to put him to rest? Well, he told us.

But this would be the last time I’d get to kiss the top of Kilgore’s head.

Goodnight, my sweet prince, perhaps one day we’ll meet up on the other side.

(i.miss.you.)

(so.fucking.much.)

The top ten continues…

I turn now to friend Vinnie Penn, who has supplied a top ten cd list all his own. Hw swears he read neither mine nor Matt Bialer’s before putting together his list. What’s most surprising his worst cd of the year. And this is just a theory, and I’m accusing no one of anything, but…perhaps no one actually likes Vampire Weekend except for those who were paid off to like them. It’s the only explanation that makes sense really. The old payola machine still turning. Nothing having changed much since the 1950s. Like I said, just a theory of mine. But it sure would explain things…

Anyway, here’s Vinnie’s list, and proof positive that he is a comic after all:

Vinnie Penn’s Top Ten CD’s of 2008:

Counting Crows—-Sat. Nights/Sun. Mornings: A damn good reason I don’t mind not doing radio on a daily basis every day anymore; why weren’t at least 3 songs from this record in heavy rotation? Lyrically, Duritz is in top form.

Gaslight Anthem 59 Sound—Outrageous, how good this is. Plus they open for Jesse Malin. ‘Nuff said.

Malin Mercury Retrograde—Nobody out there is doing it better, and nobody can argue.

AC/DC Black Ice—-It’s ACDC. There wouldn’t be strippers without them. Be serious.

Shinedown–The Sound of Madness: Proof that there is hope for rock ‘n roll on radio.

Extreme—Saudades de Rock: Proof that there is hope for rock ‘n roll with record labels.

The Morning Of: Great piano, great harmonies. Makes me want to walk around NYC.

Hold Steady—Stay Positive: Could’ve had one or two more strong tracks but the ones that are are just window-down anthems. Love this band.

Candlebox—Into the Sun: The last song on the CD alone makes it worth getting.

Rick Springfield—Venus in Overdrive: My boy is still an underrated guitarist, and this record is earning him long overdue critical cred. Laugh all you want. It’s the soap thing.

And what was up with Vampire Weekend? Talk about hype. Further proof that the “machine” can make hits, be it in music, publishing, on-screen, etc.

Visit Vinnie’s website: http://www.vinniepenn.net/

(yeah, I know…a dot-net…explains a lot)