The making of FRIENDS (WITH BENEFITS) – part 6

First things first, reviews:

from IMDB

from the Seattle True Independent Film Festival  (click reviews about half way down page)

Now the BLOG…

One of the biggest mistakes most indie filmmakers make (aside from not being organized, which I’ll get to at another point) is in casting.  The wrong line delivery can make or break a film.  Like that.  A snap of the finger and you’ve lost the audience.

Ashley McGarry and I spent months casting Friends (with benefits).  And I don’t just mean the six leads.  I mean every supporting role.  We were looking for actors who would make the characters come alive, and when needed we adapted the script to fit the actor.  (If an actor really has trouble with a line, change it.  Move the words around.   Make them comfortable, make it real.  Don’t be married to every word.  Be married to the story you’re telling.)

So what makes a great actor, at least in my opinion?  Or at least what makes them great to work with?  Aside from talent, and fitting the role in question, which are obvious necessities.  I would say the most important aspect would be the ability to recall blocking.  The example I’ll give here is Alex Brown, who plays Owen in FWB.  Now I LOVE oners.  Long takes, that never seem to end.  Life is a oner.  At the end of a five minute take, I could go over to Alex, tell him to scratch his nose four minutes in when he says such-and-such a line, but do everything else the same, and he would nail it, perfectly.  I know, you’re thinking, well isn’t that the actor’s job?  Yes, it is.  But actors that precise are few and far between.  And when you’re not shooting a oner, when you want to match your close up to your wide shot, an actor whose blocking is off will drive you crazy in the editing room.  If they’re holding their drink with their right hand in the close up, and using their left in the wide, good luck cutting.  And granted the script supervisor should be aware of this, but some things do fall through the cracks.  Having an actor that remembers blocking, and makes the blocking look natural, is a god-send.

Next, what is the actor bringing to the role?  When casting, sometimes you just know.  An actor reads and there it is!  Your character jumps off the page and is suddenly alive.  Anne Petersen came in to read for the role of Alison.  That was it.  We had other readings scheduled that day, and I would never cancel on such short notice, but we knew at the end of her audition that Anne had the part.  We gave the all of the other scheduled actresses the opportunity to audition, but in the long run just ended up comparing everyone to Anne.  She brought a spark to the character that didn’t yet exist on the page.  She made her funny, charming.   She made her real.

The ability to ad lib in character.  Brendan Bradley who plays Brad and Jake Alexander who plays Jeff were brilliant at quick comic ad libs, many of which made it into the finished film.  This helps when an actor really knows their character.  The example I’ll give.  Last day of shooting, overnight in a bar.  We were all exhausted.  It was a scene where the four friends, Brad, Jeff, Alison and Shirley (played by Lynn Mancinelli) are wondering where Chloe and Owen are, though they secretly know.  The scene as written was just not working.  Ashley and I could not seem to fix it, no matter how hard we tried.  Finally I said to the actors, run with it.  Do the scene as if this were really happening in your life right now.  They added a few lines, which made all the difference in the world, and nailed it a few takes in, AS A ONER! 

That said, an actor also needs to understand that not every ad lib is brilliant, not every ad lib works.  And when the director says to return to the script, that what you need to do.  Read the Billy Zane blog from last year, but really, throwing a hissy fit when the director won’t let you ad lib, or do the scene your way, those are not the creatures you want on your movie set.  There’s no time to argue on an indie set.  And if you really have questions or issues with the script, take it up in rehearsal.  (I do a lot of rehearsals just for that reason.)  If you don’t, you’ve lost the opportunity, it’s time to do what the director says.  Honestly, yes , it’s a collaborative medium.  No doubt about it.  But ultimately, one person is at the helm.  Everyone needs to be onboard the same ship.  I can give an actor room for improvisation, but it is also completely in my right to take it away.  The actor must understand that, and not take it personally.  As director I need to have a view of the bigger picture, I know what I’m looking for.  Trust me, as I’m trusting you with our words.

Next: the actor that goes above and beyond.  We really wanted the band in the film to feel like a really band.  I so hate when people are playing guitar in movies and it’s painfully obvious they couldn’t strum a G-chord to save their life.  Margaret Laney, who plays Chloe, started taking guitar lessons from the moment she was cast.  And it really makes a difference.  I have had musician friends ask if Start Missing Everybody was a REAL band.  Bringing that sort of reality to the film should be a no-brainers, but it rarely is.  Margaret’s lessons really paid off beautifully.  (And while that’s not her playing guitar on the soundtrack, that is her singing.  And again, she worked to rock out her voice.  Making it real.)

Lastly, I love when an actor brings an air of mystery to the role.  When a look reveals so much more than a line.  When you can see into their soul.  And Lynn Mancinelli did that and so much more.  She infused Shirley with a depth that was not on the page.  She makes us want to know more about the character.  She makes us care.  She breaks our hearts with one look. 

Now working with actors.  Wow.  Everyone is different.  Some just come on set and are ready to rock.  Some need hand holding.  And of course other can be difficult.  I try to give the actor as much freedom as possible, taking care of any kinks during rehearsals. 

Sometimes an actor will ask to add an extra line at the beginning of a scene to get them into it.  Y’know, if you’re shooting digitally, and not way behind in time, let them do it.  It’s a few seconds.  They’re be happy, and you might even have a line you can use in the film.  If not, no big deal.  Helping the actor get into character is more important.

One of the most difficult aspects of working with actors is when you give direction, and it’s just not coming through.  It’s like your speaking a different language.  I usually try to pull the actor aside and bring them to another place.  Pull up something I know about them personally.  Help them find the moment.  (I certainly did this a lot with Jessica Bohl in You Are Alone.)

And of course, there are just actors that you want to shoot (again, see Zane blog).  And once film has rolled, and you’re committed, you need to make the set as comfortable as possible.  Not always a reality, but you do the best you can.  And hopefully the other actors are on your side, realizing you’re trying to make the best film possible.

We were SAGindie on this film, which meant we could use both union and non-union players.  Half of our six leads are union.  In terms of the quality of actors, I don’t know that I saw a difference in either ability or professionalism.  In fact the one supporting player who cancelled on us the morning of her first scene was SAG.  Luckily Ashley saw it coming, and we had the role re-cast within a few hours. 

It’s certainly an art form trying to juggle all the hats required to make a feature.  I listed them a few entries back.  A few things go without saying, don’t give roles to your friends or family members.   Unless they’re actors…like people who go out on auditions.  It’ll just take the audience out of your film.  Get everything in writing. Have those contracts signed.  If you have a nude scene, make sure the actor is comfortable with nudity.  How: ask them to take off their clothes on a callback.  (Obviously let them know ahead of time what will be expected.)  Otherwise you will get burnt when they decide (or their boyfriend/girlfriend decides for them) that it’s not a good idea…as you’re a week into shooting.

Also…back to SAG for a moment.  Lots of paperwork.  You need a great first or second AD to be on top of that.  Otherwise, you’ll find yourself in the position Ashley and I did, having to send our time sheets out to the actors to be signed after the production wrapped.  We thought these were being taken care of.  We were wrong.  Apparently flirting with extras was more important.  (Yeah, go back to part three of this series.)

Ultimately what I’m saying: take your time in casting.  Bring in your actors to read against each other.  Tape everything.  Watch the tapes over.  You wrote or found a script you love.  You will be spending a year or more working on this project.  Find people who will bring your vision to life, as Alex, Lynn, Jake, Margaret, Brendan and Anne did for Friends (with benefits).  To paraphrase a line from the film, they rock!  And in doing so, they make the film rock!

P.S. Reworked the FILMS page on the Gorman Bechard website.  Take a look by clicking HERE.  (If you’ve never seen my short film THE PRETTY GIRL, take 6 minutes.  I think you’ll like it.)

follow GormanBechard at http://twitter.com

The making of FRIENDS (WITH BENEFITS) – part 2

Friends (with benefits) shot for a total of 18 days, beginning on April 18^th, 2007.  So, we’ve really been editing it, tweaking it, playing with the song selection, and score, and titles, and color correction, for going on two years now.  (The original assembly was 125 minutes without end credits, the final cut runs 94 minutes complete.)  Doesn’t seem like that long has passed, but then again perhaps it does.  I think once you see the film, you’ll understand why so much time was spent on editing.  We tried to do something a little different here.  (The producers rep who ultimately took on the film called the editing “ground breaking.”  And while I don’t know about that, we’ll certainly take the compliment!)

           

As a novelist (my website, GormanBechard.com has all the info you could possibly need on that), I thought we’d bring a little of that feel to the film, thus in my mind it’s “a novel with moving pictures.”  While all films on DVD are broken into “chapters” I thought we’d take that one step further and actually break the film down into real chapters.  But no one wants to watch a book.  So, how to make it move fast . . . real fast? 

 

Well, originally I wanted the film, especially the dialog, to movie at a breakneck speed, like “His Girl, Friday.”  But there are two truisms in film.  The one that fits here is, and I’m paraphrasing: “There’s the film you write, the film you shoot, and the film you edit.”  Anyone who’s ever directed a film knows they are three very separate beasts, each with a mind of their own.

 

So, while that breakneck pace seemed great in concept (and even in rehearsals), the realities of casting and filming got in the way.  Until editing, that is.  We threw out the rule book.  And decided that we would not allow the audience time to blink (at least for a part of the film…when need be, as a director I am a big believer in giving the performances room to breathe.)  

 

(FYI: I never used the rule book when writing my novels, hell, I flunked English 101 in college, and likewise, for any of you who’ve seen my last feature YOU ARE ALONE, you know I don’t “do” the “master/over-shoulder/over-shoulder reverse” coverage.  It’s boring, it’s lazy, it shows not one iota of originality or belief in your script, or your ability as a director…it’s movie-of-the-week.  Really, just put a bullet in my head and shoot me now.  So, yeah, I certainly wasn’t going to start following the rules now.)

 

The Friends (with benefits) secret weapon?  Split screens.  If two stories were happening concurrently, why not show them?  Adjust the timing here and there, and let the characters on the right answer the characters on the left.  It was just an experiment at first.  Tried it in one bar scene where two male characters are conversing about the same subject as two female characters.  What do you know?  It clicked.  It worked.  Jokes came faster.  You didn’t have time to blink and you were laughing again.  Or in a few cases, the inherent sadness of a friendship perhaps destroyed was given an even greater emotional impact.

 

Watching and using the split screens, co-editor Ashley McGarry and I just knew in our guts this was right for the film. 

 

And that’s what it comes down to for me.  That gut feeling.  Whether holding on someone’s expression for a beat longer than you might think necessary, because in reality sometimes we need that extra moment of reflection.  Or inserting a list of “rules” as a text scroll to make a scene go where it needed it to go.  Or dozens of other little examples in this film.  (Some big examples: cutting a huge emotional scene down to one line because I felt the rest made one character just a hair less likable, cutting scenes because I found an actors blocking distracting, sacrificing a few amazing shots that ultimately did nothing to move the story along, or reducing characters down to a few lines because either the story wasn’t really about them, or I felt their performance distracting.)  You go with your gut.  In the end, as director, it’s your name signed at the bottom of the canvas.  And after a horrible bigger-budget filmmaking experience back in 2002 (read the blog entry titled “Just say no to Billy Zane” from September 2008), I promised myself I would never again sign my name to a film or book I wasn’t proud of. 

 

Well, I’m ready to sign my name to Friends (with benefits).  Come see it at the Seattle True Independent Film Festival on June 12^th, and you’ll see why.

 

P.S. An aside.  OK…I did not sign my name to my last novel UNWOUND.  It was published under the pseudonym Jonathan Baine.  But not because I wasn’t proud of the book.  I actually love the book.  The name change was quite simply to trick the computers at Barnes & Noble.  See, the big chains, like B&N, preorder copies of your new book based upon the sales of your last book.  Now, most of my novels have had a first printing of between 5,000 and 20,000 copies.  The first printing for UNWOUND was going to be 146,000 copies. Thus the publisher wanted the B&Ns of the world to order a lot more than what they ordered and sold of my previous titles.  Smile.  You just learned something about the publishing business.

The making of FRIENDS (WITH BENEFITS) – part 1

As both the completion of my newest feature, FRIENDS (WITH BENEFITS) …and the start of its film festival run nears, I thought now would be a good time to turn the main subject of this blog over to the making of my newest film.

 

I start with BRAD’S RULES.  Or at least 99 of them.  The rules were not a part of the original script.  They were born out of necessity, when during the editing process we needed to get from point A to point F in a very long scene that was just slowing down the first act, and do so in a way that was both organic to the script and also funny.  And since Brad, one of the main characters in the film, was always mouthing off about his rules, we thought inserting those rules into the film might just work.  Thus the actual list of 100 rules was born.

 

You’ll have to judge for yourself, but I think they provide one of the biggest laughs in the film. 

 

But here now are the rules…live by them, and life will be good (which I guess is a rule in and of itself):

 

100. Friends don’t let friends fuck ugly people 

99. Try everything twice, the first time you might have been doing it wrong 

98. Fat girls give the best head because they’re always hungry 

97. Cologne: overrated…Deodorant: a must 

96. Blondes are usually too dumb to realize they’re having more fun 

95. After puberty, that’s not “baby fat”

94. ATM = the Holy Grail 

93. All hippie chicks deep throat, but few vegans swallow 

92. Women like shoes. They will look at yours; purchase accordingly 

91. BBBJ or why bother? 

90. Women cannot parallel park 

89. If you wanna fuck it, you’ve got to be willing to lick it

88. Ass, stomach, legs, boobs – in that order 

87. If it’s not dirty, you’re doing something wrong 

86. If a friend’s apartment is running low on toilet paper, you’re required to use it all 

85. Cheerleaders are overrated 

84. Under no circumstance may two men share an umbrella 

83. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her 

82. Other than in February, the 14th of every month is Pizza and Blowjob Night 

81. Dogs are better than cats…period 

80. Bigger is never better when they’re fake 

79. Don’t leave the house if you’re not camera ready

78. A period does not equal a week off from sex 

77. Mustaches and hunting are gay 

76. Sucking your best friend’s dick, that’s priceless 

75. You are not accountable if you bring ugly people home, unless you fuck them again in the

morning 

74. If her mom isn’t a MILF, chances are she won’t be one either 

73. Fake orgasms count, as long as they’re not yours 

72. The G-spot does not exist 

71. There is NOTHING sexy about pregnant women 

70. Persistence gets you laid 

69. Never give yourself a haircut while drunk 

68. No panties = a good night 

67. Drinks hard liquor = a great night 

66. Tongue piercing = God loves you! 

65. Saliva isn’t always the best lubricant, just the most fun to apply 

64. White cotton panties and knee socks.  Enough said!

63. Never lend money to friends 

62. Never lend books, CDs, or DVDs to anyone 

61. The month you finish paying for your car, it will break down 

60. Elvis is not dead 

59. Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone 

58. What’s good for you does not always taste better.  Example: processed peanut butter vs. the all-natural kind 

57. People who don’t use turn signals deserve mandatory prison sentences 

56. Never let a girl shave your balls 

55. Porn saves lives 

54. Republicans are better at…well…nothing 

53. If you’ve never had New Haven brick oven pizza, you’ve never had pizza.  There is no pizza in New York or Chicago.  Don’t argue, you’ll just sound foolish 

52. Old country = cool  Alt-country = really cool  New country = sucks 

51. Condition your hair once a day 

50. Masturbate twice a day 

49. Eat three square meals every day 

48. Women should never cut their hair, unless they’re going to play for the other team 

47. Crying is blackmail 

46. Your choice: spay or neuter your pet…or yourself  

45. If she sleeps in your bed, sex is a given 

44. If a girl leaves her dirty panties lying around, she wants you to sniff them 

43. There’s no such thing as giving 110% 

42. Halloween is the only holiday that matters 

41. Sympathy sex trumps make-up sex 

40. Body hair just gets in the way 

39. Rip bread, don’t slice it 

38. Every man should learn how to dance, but no other man should know he can 

37. Men have no right to speak on the subject of abortion 

36. Every decade gives us only one great double album: The White Album, Exile On Main Street, London Calling, Being There, and Cold Roses. 

35. Chivalry is not dead, but she has to earn it 

34. Watch Carnival Of Souls at least once in your lifetime 

33. If your pubic hair is blond or red, shaving is optional 

32. You can cheat on girls with hairy legs 

31. If they don’t answer, it means yes 

30. Never turn down a chance to sleep with a celebrity 

29. Sex is better in warmer climates 

28. Emo guys = gay; emo gals = easy marks 

27. Never trust people who don’t drink coffee 

26. Springsteen really is The Boss 

25. If there’s a problem, talk it out 

24. If you can’t talk it out: fuck, then try again 

23. Never lease what you can buy 

22. Never break up using a post-it note, her biker friends will hurt you for it 

21. Never say “no” to a green-eyed girl 

20. Live life as if The Catcher In The Rye were your bible 

19. Don’t lie, you will get caught 

18. Admit that the 1986 Mets were the greatest baseball team of all time and life will be easier

17. Know the legal age of consent in every place you visit 

16. Wild animals belong in the wild, not in zoos, fairs, or roadside attractions 

15. Pussy farts are charming 

14. Only wear a bra if you’re going to offend me 

13. Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder 

12. It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye 

11. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups 

10. When in doubt, mumble 

9. Masturbation is overrated 

8. Small boobs are misunderstood

7. Better to be feared than loved, but even better to have your love feared 

6. Handcuffs are the ultimate sex toy 

5. If you can’t convince them, confuse them 

4. Quiet girls are the most likely to toss your salad 

3.  Women do not understand remote controls, there is no exception to this rule

2. Never overthink 

 

Of course, if you want to know the number one rule, you’re gonna have to watch the film.

 

The official website is: www.FWBmovie.com 

 

Check back often for more stories from the front lines of making FRIENDS (WITH BENEFITS)…

 

Friends (with benefits) POSTER

 

P.S. Remember my horror/comedy PSYCHOS IN LOVE will be released on DVD (complete with a boatload of extras) next Tuesday, April 28th.  You can get it at BestBuy, Netflix, or preorder it here at Amazon.com

 

I guess in a way, PSYCHOS IN LOVE had its own set of rules:

 

I hate grapes.

I can’t stand grapes.

I loathe grapes. 

All kinds of grapes.

I hate purple grapes. 

I hate green grapes. 

I hate grapes with seeds. 

I hate grapes without seeds. 

I hate them peeled and non-peeled. 

I hate grapes in bunches, one at a time, or in groups of twos and threes.

I fucking hate grapes.

 

Book outweighs Blog, Blog fills up Paper, Paper covers Rock…

Sorry…been working on the new novel, so blogging takes a back seat.

However, there is a half hour interview with me which you can watch by clicking HERE.

And you can pre-order your jam-packed-with-extras version of the PSYCHOS IN LOVE dvd by clicking HERE.  The trailer for PSYCHOS is on the film’s FACEBOOK FAN PAGE.

More soon…

Psychos In Love

Forgot to mention, my crazy cult horror comedy from 1986 — PSYCHOS IN LOVE — is about to get a top notch dvd release from Media-Blasters. Tons of extras, including two commentaries (one I’m doing now, and one from a few years back with me and Carmine). a behind-the-scenes, the original trailer, a huge photo gallery, trailers for my two most recent films (You Are Alone and Friends With Benefits), a promo video I did for my last book UNWOUND (written under the pseudonym Jonathan Baine), and two shorts, one old (The Only Take) and the last short I made (Objects In The Mirror Are Further Than They Appear)…and perhaps even a few other suprises.

Not to mention, this will be a new transfer off the original film…so it should look pristine!

It’ll be available on March 31, 2009…and you can pre-order your copy of the PSYCHOS IN LOVE dvd by clicking HERE!

More top ten…and Springsteen (not the rock star)…

First off, after two weeks I can say that Springsteen is doing quite well adjusting to his new home. Likewise Phoebe has become a great big sister to the pup. I’ll post more pix soon. We’re also closing up all the work on the Connecticut State Film Commission Tax Credit we’re receiving for FRIENDS (WITH BENEFITS) and I will be posting a long blog explaining how everything went down, a good how-to for other indie filmmakers in the state.

But for now, yet another Top Ten CD list. This time from old friend Rob DeRosa. For the best of CT-based music you can hear Rob’s radio show on Thursdays on WESU FM, which is 88.1FM. It’s called HOMEGROWN. You can also listen to archived shows at: www.myspace.com/thinmanmusiclabel

Here now is his top ten:

The Hold Steady- Stay Positive. How could an ex Springstee fan not like these guys? Way too many words sometimes and chock full arrangements- that’s what drew me to early Bruce and it’s what enthralls me about The Hold Steady. I just hope there is no Nebraska in them to screw it all up.

The Mountain Movers- Why Don’t We open the Chest. This band is a pleasure. While I loved the horns on the first CD, the less is more approach here works even better. If Ric promises to bring extra strings, I’ll hire them for Daffodil Fest so I can hear this stuff live in my own backyard, so to speak.

The Manchurians 5×4, The Minster EP. I know, my label. But if this and my next picks were not worthy, we wouldn’t max out credit putting them out. This one rocks in a different way than the last one- probably due to Dean’s layering of sounds and his co-writing energizing Roger to write more songs than he ever did. Short- liethey like their live sets- but it kicks ass.

Frank Critelli- Watlzing Through Quicksand. Frank’s songs always had room for a full band and this disc shows why. His songs here are expansive and moving- and the tight band behind him propells him to rock star staus instead of simply the best folkie out there.

The Sawtelles- Dime Museum. Previously a either love ’em or leave ’em style- this CD shows incredible growth and cohesion of their rather unothadox style. Shany Lawson produced them the way it should have always been. Peter’s words are intiguing and Julie sings better than ever before.

MGMT- Oracular Spectacular suffice to say that this incredibly popular band was for all intense and purposes, my discovery. Well. not entirely- but the Wesleyan duo got their first off campus gig from me- as well as their first club date at Cafe 9 and their first airplay on my radio show. Then they went on to play every festival in the world this year( Cochella, Bonnaroo, Glastonbury, Leeds, Reading, SXSW, Austin City one, two in australia and a few in Japan.) and get on most big music magazines best of lists. They deserve it. It’s a psychedelic dance fest with pithy, ironic and cheeky lyrics. AND the drummer is nailing Kirstin Dunst. Every young rockers dream story.

The top ten continues…

I turn now to friend Vinnie Penn, who has supplied a top ten cd list all his own.  Hw swears he read neither mine nor Matt Bialer’s before putting together his list.  What’s most surprising his worst cd of the year.  And this is just a theory, and I’m accusing no one of anything, but…perhaps no one actually likes Vampire Weekend except for those who were paid off to like them.  It’s the only explanation that makes sense really.  The old payola machine still turning.  Nothing having changed much since the 1950s.  Like I said, just a theory of mine.  But it sure would explain things…

Anyway, here’s Vinnie’s list, and proof positive that he is a comic after all:

Vinnie Penn’s Top Ten CD’s of 2008: 

Counting Crows—-Sat. Nights/Sun. Mornings: A damn good reason I don’t mind not doing radio on a daily basis every day anymore; why weren’t at least 3 songs from this record in heavy rotation? Lyrically, Duritz is in top form.

 

Gaslight Anthem 59 Sound—Outrageous, how good this is. Plus they open for Jesse Malin. ‘Nuff said.

 

Malin Mercury Retrograde—Nobody out there is doing it better, and nobody can argue.

 

AC/DC Black Ice—-It’s ACDC. There wouldn’t be strippers without them. Be serious. 

 

Shinedown–The Sound of Madness: Proof that there is hope for rock ‘n roll on radio. 

 

Extreme—Saudades de Rock: Proof that there is hope for rock ‘n roll with record labels.

 

The Morning Of: Great piano, great harmonies. Makes me want to walk around NYC. 

 

Hold Steady—Stay Positive: Could’ve had one or two more strong tracks but the ones that are are just window-down anthems. Love this band. 

 

Candlebox—Into the Sun: The last song on the CD alone makes it worth getting. 

 

Rick Springfield—Venus in Overdrive: My boy is still an underrated guitarist, and this record is earning him long overdue critical cred. Laugh all you want. It’s the soap thing. 

 

And what was up with Vampire Weekend? Talk about hype. Further proof that the “machine” can make hits, be it in music, publishing, on-screen, etc.   

   

Visit Vinnie’s website: http://www.vinniepenn.net/

(yeah, I know…a dot-net…explains a lot)

Perpetuating the puppy mill…

Okay, here is our application for one of four male lab pups available through Labs4Rescue.com.  I omitted only personal info such as address and phone numbers.

 

Time at current address:    15 years
Own or Rent Residence:    Own

Specific Age Desired:    Puppy

Please specify why are you interested in this particular dog?    There just something about the kindness in the eyes of these specific pups which catches out attention
Would you consider a Special Needs dog?    No
Will you accept a Lab-mix?    Yes
Preferred Activity Level:    Any
Preferred Sex:    Male

Ages of all adults (including yourself) and children who live at your house:    Two adults, 49 and 42, no kids
Do they share your interest in adopting a dog?    Yes
Who is the dog primarily for?    Adult
Who will care for, train and exercise the dog?    Both adults
Does anyone in your household have allergies?    No
If Yes, to what allergens?   
May we visit your home prior to application approval?    Yes

Pet Number 1, Name:    Phoebe
Pet Number 1, Species:    Dog
Pet Number 1, Sex:    Female
Pet Number 1, Spayed or Neutered:    Yes
Pet Number 1, What happened to the pet?:    6 year old lab/hound mix

Pet Number 2, Name:    Kilgore Trout
Pet Number 2, Species:    Dog
Pet Number 2, Sex:    Male
Pet Number 2, Spayed or Neutered:    Yes
Pet Number 2, What happened to the pet?:    Yellow Lab.  Died 4 weeks ago at age of 13 years of tumor on liver.  Full description is on my blog: http://www.GuyWithTypewriter.com

Pet Number 3, Name:    Casey
Pet Number 3, Species:    Dog
Pet Number 3, Sex:    Female
Pet Number 3, Spayed or Neutered:    Yes
Pet Number 3, What happened to the pet?:    Black lab.  Died in her sleep 2 years ago at age of 12.  We believe is was most likely also of tumor on liver.

Name of Current or Primary Veterinarian: Here I listed out vet’s name, address and phone, and stated it was the only vet we’ve ever had.  (I likewise called my vet and gave them the okay to release records if requested.)

Will the dog be allowed in the house?    Yes
How long each day will the dog be left alone (without humans)?    Less than 2 hours per day
Where will the dog stay when it is left alone?    In the kitchen/living room/dining room area
Are you familiar with the use of a dog crate to train the pet during your absence or at night?    Yes
Is your yard fenced?    Yes
If so, please describe the type of fence, its height and the dimensions of the fenced area?    Cedar fence about 4 feet high.  Yard is about 1/10th of an acre.
If you do not have a fence, will you install one?   
What is the approximate size of the dog’s yard area?    1/10th of an acre
Will the dog be walked daily?    No
Will the dog be exercised in a fenced yard?    Yes
Will the dog be allowed to run free without supervision?    No
Will you take the dog to an obedience training class?    No
Have you ever owned a dog?    Yes
Have you ever owned a Labrador Retriever?    Yes
If you have a dog, does he or she receive monthly Heartworm preventative?    Yes
Are you aware that Labs are active?    Yes
Are you aware that the routine costs of maintaining a dog average over $500 per year?    Yes
Have you ever sold, given away, or surrendered a pet to a shelter?    No

Please tell us why you want a dog:    We always liked having 3 dogs.  (We don’t have kids, nor will we ever have kids)  When Casey died, we felt bringing a puppy into the mix was unfair to Kilgore at his age.  So we waited so he would get the most attention in his senior years.  Phoebe is only 6, and thus we want to expand our dog family once again.

Please tell us a little of your lifestyle, your family including any special activities in which your dog would be included:    Gorman is a writer/film editor who works at home (We have a full film editing suite in our attic).  Kris manages a coffee shop.  We are home a lot.

If and when you move, what will you do with your dog?    Dogs will come with up, WITHOUT QUESTION.  We are of the opinion that a dog is like a child.  It should be against the law to just give away your dog, just as it is to give away your kid.

Do you understand the state and local ordinances concerning licensing and leashing?    Yes
Have you, or any member of your family/household, been cited for leash law violations or cruelty to animals in the past?    No

Please tell us how you became aware of Labs4Rescue and its programs:
Other:    Gorman has edited videos for HSUS.  A friend at HSUS recommended Petfinder, which led us to you.

Is there anything else you would like us to know about your application?    If you want to see Kilgore and Casey, they were the star of their own little video which can be found on the first page of my site: http://www.GormanBechard.com.  It’s a cute 45 seconds which will make you smile.

 

 

OK…that plus a $15 application fee got me this response:

 

Will you take the dog to an obedience training class?   No

Thank you for your interest in Marley’s puppies…I have received many
applications under consideration.  As I stated in my bios, one of my
personal criteria to adopt is a family committed to the future
education of their Lab.  Per your application, you have stated that
this is not in your plan.  You many want to consider another great
Lab.

Thank you
Edee
Labs4Rescue

 

Hmmm…kind of rude and abrupt, if you ask me.  And all because I told the truth and didn’t check off a box which would have been so easy to check.

So I pull up the puppy’s pages, and this was the description:

 

VERY ACTIVE, VERY SWEET, AND READY DECEMBER 4! Marley’s Malcolm was born September 18 to Marley, a Yellow Labrador Retriever that was found abandoned just two hours before giving birth to a total of 10 chocolate puppies. Marley is a very sweet and mellow Lab, weighing about 55 pounds. Her rescuers have since adopted Marley and Labs4Rescue has been entrusted with 8 of her babies which will be ready to leave their foster home at approximately 11 weeks of age on December 4. We do not know what breed of dog sired these puppies, but we presume another Lab since they all have Lab features and they are all Chocolate with little if any white on them.

Malcolm, at 8 weeks of age, weighed 11.25 pounds. His fur is dark chocolate and he is all chocolate with only a white blaze on his chest and white tips on three of his toes with the exception being the right front toe. Malcolm is anticipated to be a large, high energy Labrador when he is grown. The puppies are working on their crate training in their foster home and they are very socialized with people and other animals. They love to play with each other, other dogs, toys, and they don’t shy away from water! To adopt one of these puppies, you will need to have plenty of quality time at home, be committed to obedience training, and to a lifetime of challenges and rewards associated with living with a Labrador.

Only one puppy can be adopted by each qualified applicant. Please read our website and adoption process carefully before applying.

For additional information about Marley’s Malcolm please email…

 

OK…nothing there about TRAINING CLASS…so I wrote back:

 

Edee,

 

I’ve stated this because we personal train our dogs, right by the book…quite literally, we follow Brian Kilcommons’ GOOD OWNERS, GREAT DOGS to the letter.

 

I’m home enough to be able to devote the time to training a new puppy. 

 

And all three of our dogs have been very well behaved because of this. 

 

However, if obedience class is criteria for getting one of these pups, and the above isn’t training enough, then we will agree to take the puppy to obedience class.

 

Please let me know…

 

Thank you,

 

Gorman Bechard

 

P.S. If you haven’t, please read my blog www.GuyWithTypewriter.com which in detail describes the death of our last pup and the pain.  You will not find a more caring family.

 

 

To which she replied:

 

ok, will call to discuss further…thank you for expanation.

 

And call she did, the next day…

Imagine my surprised to discover the pups that one would think are in Killingworth, CT…at least that’s the only town mentioned in their listing, are actually down in Memphis, TN. 

(Edee insists the listing specified that the pup was in Memphis.  It absolutely did not.)

After hearing this I explained that I would like to meet the pup before making a decision.  I mean, am I delusional, or is this the responsible thing to do? 

Edee tells me this is not possible, that a lot of people rescue dogs before meeting them.

(My mind is reeling…irresponsible people perhaps.  But I am also questioning what sort of dog rescue group would adopt a dog out to someone they’ve never met?)    

So I offer to drive down to Memphis to meet the puppy before making a decision. 

Again, this is squashed.

(Now I’m wondering what they might be trying to hide?)

The conversation ends, I find her tone condescending at the very least, so I write her this email:

 

Edee,

 

There is nothing on the pup’s listing that mentions Memphis.  The ONLY town mentioned is Killingworth, CT.

 

http://www.petfinder.com/petnote/displaypet.cgi?petid=12404292

 

Which I honestly feel is quite misleading.

 

I am also concerned that I offer to come down there to meet the dog, which I think is above and beyond in terms of responsibility, and that notion is squashed by you.

 

I also take issue that you are willing to give these pups up to people whom you’ve never met, but who just happened to answer the questionnaire in the “correct” manner, and happen to have the $350 fee. 

 

Seriously, a lot of raised red flags.

 

Gorman Bechard

 

 

Edee never wrote back.

But, I cc-ed a bunch of the other people working for Labs4Rescue, and that night received an email about two other male labs, and did I want to see pictures? 

Yes, I did. 

I got the photos and a phone number AND the info that the pups are down in Louisiana.

I called, and spoke to a very nice woman who basically said I could drive down and pick up one of the puppies if I really wanted to meet it first.

I told her I would think about it…though having to go to Louisiana for a puppy seems ridiculous.  Aren’t there a lot of unwanted pups in New England, or in New York, or Jersey?  Hell…I’ll gladly take a three/four hour ride. 

Now, as my application stated, I just recently did a little work on a puppy mill expose, and I know that 99.999999% of dogs in pet stores come from puppy mills.  Seriously, Google any breeder and or distributor you see listed in ANY pet store, and that’s what you’ll find…they’re a puppy mill.

And I really wanted to do the right thing by saving an unwanted pup.

But after just three days of dealing with a rescue group, I’m ready to plop down $1500 bucks at my nearest pet store.  Mind you, I WON’T.  But if I’m feeling that way, I can only imagine the frustration of the average Jane and Joe who just want a dog.

The rescue groups should be helping to put good dogs in the hands of responsible owners, instead I’m seeing that they actually feed the need for pet stores and puppy mills by making the adoption process so over the top ridiculous, or my being misleading with their info, or both.

Rescue groups should be working towards eliminating the need for puppy mills. 

Oh yeah, the woman in Louisiana said that unless it is noted that a dog is being fostered in a certain town, that I should have known that meant it was being housed down south. 

Well considering it says that NO WHERE on their site, how am I supposed to know this?  Through osmosis?  Am I a mind reader? 

I used the largest pet finding website to search for a LOCAL dog…but these dogs aren’t local.  Which is fine…BUT TELL US.  I would never have put in an application for a dog I could not see before bringing home. 

I also feel it’s a nice way to get the $15 application fee.  Bet those add up quickly.

So, yes, I’m frustrated and annoyed.  And yes, I know there are probably people at Labs4Rescue without the rude attitudes.  And who really care about the pooches.  But as a dog lover, I do have a problem with bringing into my home a dog I’ve never met.  C’mon, personality is so much.  And we have another dog…I want Phoebe to feel comfortable and happy with her new little brother.

And likewise, I think it’s very irresponsible to adopt a dog to someone sight unseen, someone who has the $350 fee, and who just happened to check the right boxes.

Something just doesn’t seem right.

Perhaps I’ve spend too much time watching puppy mill footage.

Perhaps ignorance is bliss.

Or perhaps I’m just not fit to own a dog.

Kilgore Trout (1995 – 2008) R.I.P.

A tumor the size of a grapefruit.  I saw it on the x-ray, filling the space between his liver, his spleen, and his stomach.  Perhaps encroaching on his lungs as well.  Suffocating Kilgore Trout  from the inside out.

At first we thought it was a reaction to Previcox.  A drug given to him just about four weeks ago to help with his hips.  He was having the worst time walking, this glorious pup who would jump, would bounce, like on a trampoline whenever he saw me. 

(watch the clip that now opens my website as proof…it’s 45 seconds that will make you smile.)

At first the drug did wonders, until he stopped eating, starting vomiting.  Side effects all, so many serious side effects.  How could this fucking killer pill be on the market? 

I am angry.  I am seething.  I know Previcox did not kill my dog, but it certainly didn’t help there in the end.  A shot of Pepcid did for a while.  But still the appetite nowhere near the vacuum cleaner-like enthusiasm with which he used to eat.  Less and less every day.  And the vomiting returned.  Bile, from his mostly empty stomach. 

More Pepcid.  But it didn’t seem to help this time.  Finally a trip to the vet.  You could see it in her face as she checked him stomach.  Perhaps we should get him x-rayed…now.  The normally busy hospital would take us NOW.

So I dropped my wife at home so she could tend to our other dog, and drove Kilgore down to Central Hospital in New Haven.  It was quick.  He sat by my feet afterwards as I waited on word.  The receptionist said the vet wanted to speak with me.  She gave me the news.  None of it good. 

How long does he have? I asked.  A few days, was the response.  Or perhaps to the beginning of next week.  (This was a Thursday.)  The x-ray technician showed me the tumor.  It was massive.  All encompassing.  There was nothing to do but make him comfortable during his last few days.

But a small meal of Kentucky Fried Chicken pulled from a breast was all he could manage.  A few strips of it really.  And a little water to follow.  That would be his last meal.  My dog who could eat anything and everything, from a full edition of the Sunday New York Times to financial magazines (he especially loved to “tear into” MONEY and KIPLINGER’S) to, well…anything he could find in the yard., gross or not. 

Whenever I put a 12-pack of beer away, he’d wait patiently, then snatch the empty box as I pulled out the last beer and put it into the fridge.  Then he’d play keep-away with it, or tug-of war.  Or he’d lie right down and start ripping it to confetti. He especially loved Rolling Rock boxes.

But he could eat anything and everything, always without repercussion.  Now, nothing…

He walked around on his own on Friday.  Venturing out into the yard, up on the couch with a little help.  He wagged his tail, but mostly slept a lot.

That night, Friday, what would be his last night (october 24), I slept on the couch with Mr. Trout.  Well, he slept on the couch.  I was mostly on the coffee table, but that was ok.  He rested his chin on my leg, I scratched him behind his ear.

My wife and I kept asking anyone we knew…how would we know when it was time to put him to rest?  Well, he told us.

Kilgore got up twice that night, went out into the yard, slowly, but surely.  But then came the morning.  Almost two days now without food or water.  And when it came time for him to go outside, he made it through the door, but had to lie down after only a few steps.  He couldn’t get up.  We knew…

We had already made an appointment at the vet for Saturday morning.  Originally for a check up to see if there was anything else we could do.  But now I needed to call them, and change the appointment until late in the day.  The last appointment of the day.

He couldn’t really walk, so I carried my friend out to my Jeep and laid him down in the back.  And, the three of us took his final ride.  My wife sat in the back with him, as I went into the vet office to make sure everything was ready.  Then I carried him in and laid him on the table. 

After a while the vet came in an asked if we were ready.  No, how could anyone ever be ready?  But I knew he was in pain, I knew he was so tired, and I certainly didn’t want that thing inside of him to burst.

He lay, as he always did at night, two paws straight out in front, his chin resting perfectly centered between them.  I squatted down so that I was nose-to-nose with my friend.  He never took his eyes off me as the doctor administered the drug that would put him to sleep.

When his eyes finally closed, I kissed his head. Something he so hated until a few weeks ago.  I’d always do it at night, and he rub at the top of his head with his paws as if I’d given him cooties, or something.  It was a ritual.  But he was wagging tail.  And in my heart I always believed he was perhaps embarrassed in front of the other dogs, like why was I kissing his head in public?

But this would be the last time I’d get to kiss the top of Kilgore’s head. 

Goodnight, my sweet prince, perhaps one day we’ll meet up on the other side.

(i.miss.you.)

(so.fucking.much.)

in his spot...

Life IS too short to deal with assholes…

Unfortunately they surround us. 

Recently I posted an ad looking for musicians to score my new film, and/or to provide additional songs for the sountrack.  I wanted to see what was out there.

One particular West Coast musician responded and provided two links, neither of which I could get to play.  I wrote back and said as much, asking politely for another link.  As a response I am told that my computers are not working properly and/or perhaps I don’t know how to use them.  But the bright young lad does provide a working link this time.  After hearing the music, I write back telling his thanks but it’s not really what I’m looking for…I had in the ad requested a Replacements-like sound, i.e. drunken bar music…guitar based rock n roll.  (He seemed to overlook the description of what is was looking for.)

This musician in question responds, telling me that I should have known that because of his training classical music  he could write a drunken rock song in his sleep…anyone could. 

Now, yes, I should have lived by my asshole rule.  Instead I rightfully argued that no one genre of music was easier or harder than the next if done to perfection.  That “Here Comes A Regular” by the Mats was just as hard to create as any piece by Bach, Chopin, whomever.  I also tried to (again politely) inform the musician that when attempting to get a job attacking the potential employer is not the best way to go about it.

Of course this unleashed a torrent.  My films sucks.  My novels suck.  Lots of big words, like a 5-year-old jacking off with a thesaurus.  He just knew from the ad that FWB sucked.  (Not really sure why he answered the ad if that was the case.)  The emails get longer and longer, despite my one line replies.  I finally tell the asshole in question I don’t read long emails.  I don’t.  This is a fact, a rule, that I live by.  I simply refuse to.  If you can’t say it in a couple of lines, then don’t bother saying it at all.  Or pick up the goddamn phone.  Yet he continues writing these thesis-length missives, of which I read the first line, then delete…and delete again…until I finally block his email.

Of course, instead of listening, instead of taking a hint, he throws a tantrum, and writes me from another email address.  It’s another long one.  Didn’t read it.  As soon as I realized who sent it, I reported it as spam.  Hopefully the spam police beat him to death with their billy clubs.  Save me the effort.

I guess this leads me to ask, why?  Can a musician in a band (note, I never insulted his music, though I might say now he listened to a little too much Emerson Lake and Palmer in the womb) whose claim to fame is a MySpace profile really think that much of themselves?  Does one really believe a degree from any university makes their shit not stink?  Does any musician worth the weight of their string actually believe their genre of music is the hardest?  And hold other genres in little respect?  (Really now, to write a great piece of music, no matter the genre, takes a lifetime of pain, or experience.  And to think otherwise is nothing short of, well, a racism of sorts…genre-ism…bigotry…the MySpace lad might as well wear a white sheet over his head ready to lynch the blues, rock, CW, folk, etc., and so on.)

I hope not.  Because if this were true we are in a sadder shape than even I first believed. 

And wow…I don’t have much faith.

Except perhaps in dogs…

 (and the Replacements)

J