The making of FRIENDS (WITH BENEFITS) – part 1

As both the completion of my newest feature, FRIENDS (WITH BENEFITS) …and the start of its film festival run nears, I thought now would be a good time to turn the main subject of this blog over to the making of my newest film.

I start with BRAD’S RULES. Or at least 99 of them. The rules were not a part of the original script. They were born out of necessity, when during the editing process we needed to get from point A to point F in a very long scene that was just slowing down the first act, and do so in a way that was both organic to the script and also funny. And since Brad, one of the main characters in the film, was always mouthing off about his rules, we thought inserting those rules into the film might just work. Thus the actual list of 100 rules was born.

You’ll have to judge for yourself, but I think they provide one of the biggest laughs in the film.

But here now are the rules…live by them, and life will be good (which I guess is a rule in and of itself):

100. Friends don’t let friends fuck ugly people

99. Try everything twice, the first time you might have been doing it wrong

98. Fat girls give the best head because they’re always hungry

97. Cologne: overrated…Deodorant: a must

96. Blondes are usually too dumb to realize they’re having more fun

95. After puberty, that’s not “baby fat”

94. ATM = the Holy Grail

93. All hippie chicks deep throat, but few vegans swallow

92. Women like shoes. They will look at yours; purchase accordingly

91. BBBJ or why bother?

90. Women cannot parallel park

89. If you wanna fuck it, you’ve got to be willing to lick it

88. Ass, stomach, legs, boobs – in that order

87. If it’s not dirty, you’re doing something wrong

86. If a friend’s apartment is running low on toilet paper, you’re required to use it all

85. Cheerleaders are overrated

84. Under no circumstance may two men share an umbrella

83. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her

82. Other than in February, the 14th of every month is Pizza and Blowjob Night

81. Dogs are better than cats…period

80. Bigger is never better when they’re fake

79. Don’t leave the house if you’re not camera ready

78. A period does not equal a week off from sex

77. Mustaches and hunting are gay

76. Sucking your best friend’s dick, that’s priceless

75. You are not accountable if you bring ugly people home, unless you fuck them again in the

morning

74. If her mom isn’t a MILF, chances are she won’t be one either

73. Fake orgasms count, as long as they’re not yours

72. The G-spot does not exist

71. There is NOTHING sexy about pregnant women

70. Persistence gets you laid

69. Never give yourself a haircut while drunk

68. No panties = a good night

67. Drinks hard liquor = a great night

66. Tongue piercing = God loves you!

65. Saliva isn’t always the best lubricant, just the most fun to apply

64. White cotton panties and knee socks. Enough said!

63. Never lend money to friends

62. Never lend books, CDs, or DVDs to anyone

61. The month you finish paying for your car, it will break down

60. Elvis is not dead

59. Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone

58. What’s good for you does not always taste better. Example: processed peanut butter vs. the all-natural kind

57. People who don’t use turn signals deserve mandatory prison sentences

56. Never let a girl shave your balls

55. Porn saves lives

54. Republicans are better at…well…nothing

53. If you’ve never had New Haven brick oven pizza, you’ve never had pizza. There is no pizza in New York or Chicago. Don’t argue, you’ll just sound foolish

52. Old country = cool Alt-country = really cool New country = sucks

51. Condition your hair once a day

50. Masturbate twice a day

49. Eat three square meals every day

48. Women should never cut their hair, unless they’re going to play for the other team

47. Crying is blackmail

46. Your choice: spay or neuter your pet…or yourself

45. If she sleeps in your bed, sex is a given

44. If a girl leaves her dirty panties lying around, she wants you to sniff them

43. There’s no such thing as giving 110%

42. Halloween is the only holiday that matters

41. Sympathy sex trumps make-up sex

40. Body hair just gets in the way

39. Rip bread, don’t slice it

38. Every man should learn how to dance, but no other man should know he can

37. Men have no right to speak on the subject of abortion

36. Every decade gives us only one great double album: The White Album, Exile On Main Street, London Calling, Being There, and Cold Roses.

35. Chivalry is not dead, but she has to earn it

34. Watch Carnival Of Souls at least once in your lifetime

33. If your pubic hair is blond or red, shaving is optional

32. You can cheat on girls with hairy legs

31. If they don’t answer, it means yes

30. Never turn down a chance to sleep with a celebrity

29. Sex is better in warmer climates

28. Emo guys = gay; emo gals = easy marks

27. Never trust people who don’t drink coffee

26. Springsteen really is The Boss

25. If there’s a problem, talk it out

24. If you can’t talk it out: fuck, then try again

23. Never lease what you can buy

22. Never break up using a post-it note, her biker friends will hurt you for it

21. Never say “no” to a green-eyed girl

20. Live life as if The Catcher In The Rye were your bible

19. Don’t lie, you will get caught

18. Admit that the 1986 Mets were the greatest baseball team of all time and life will be easier

17. Know the legal age of consent in every place you visit

16. Wild animals belong in the wild, not in zoos, fairs, or roadside attractions

15. Pussy farts are charming

14. Only wear a bra if you’re going to offend me

13. Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder

12. It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye

11. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups

10. When in doubt, mumble

9. Masturbation is overrated

8. Small boobs are misunderstood

7. Better to be feared than loved, but even better to have your love feared

6. Handcuffs are the ultimate sex toy

5. If you can’t convince them, confuse them

4. Quiet girls are the most likely to toss your salad

3. Women do not understand remote controls, there is no exception to this rule

2. Never overthink

Of course, if you want to know the number one rule, you’re gonna have to watch the film.

The official website is: www.FWBmovie.com

Check back often for more stories from the front lines of making FRIENDS (WITH BENEFITS)…

P.S. Remember my horror/comedy PSYCHOS IN LOVE will be released on DVD (complete with a boatload of extras) next Tuesday, April 28th. You can get it at BestBuy, Netflix, or preorder it here at Amazon.com

I guess in a way, PSYCHOS IN LOVE had its own set of rules:

I hate grapes.

I can’t stand grapes.

I loathe grapes.

All kinds of grapes.

I hate purple grapes.

I hate green grapes.

I hate grapes with seeds.

I hate grapes without seeds.

I hate them peeled and non-peeled.

I hate grapes in bunches, one at a time, or in groups of twos and threes.

I fucking hate grapes.

Book outweighs Blog, Blog fills up Paper, Paper covers Rock…

Sorry…been working on the new novel, so blogging takes a back seat.

However, there is a half hour interview with me which you can watch by clicking HERE.

And you can pre-order your jam-packed-with-extras version of the PSYCHOS IN LOVE dvd by clicking HERE. The trailer for PSYCHOS is on the film’s FACEBOOK FAN PAGE.

More soon…

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Life IS too short to deal with assholes…

Unfortunately they surround us.

Recently I posted an ad looking for musicians to score my new film, and/or to provide additional songs for the sountrack. I wanted to see what was out there.

One particular West Coast musician responded and provided two links, neither of which I could get to play. I wrote back and said as much, asking politely for another link. As a response I am told that my computers are not working properly and/or perhaps I don’t know how to use them. But the bright young lad does provide a working link this time. After hearing the music, I write back telling his thanks but it’s not really what I’m looking for…I had in the ad requested a Replacements-like sound, i.e. drunken bar music…guitar based rock n roll. (He seemed to overlook the description of what is was looking for.)

This musician in question responds, telling me that I should have known that because of his training classical music he could write a drunken rock song in his sleep…anyone could.

Now, yes, I should have lived by my asshole rule. Instead I rightfully argued that no one genre of music was easier or harder than the next if done to perfection. That “Here Comes A Regular” by the Mats was just as hard to create as any piece by Bach, Chopin, whomever. I also tried to (again politely) inform the musician that when attempting to get a job attacking the potential employer is not the best way to go about it.

Of course this unleashed a torrent. My films sucks. My novels suck. Lots of big words, like a 5-year-old jacking off with a thesaurus. He just knew from the ad that FWB sucked. (Not really sure why he answered the ad if that was the case.) The emails get longer and longer, despite my one line replies. I finally tell the asshole in question I don’t read long emails. I don’t. This is a fact, a rule, that I live by. I simply refuse to. If you can’t say it in a couple of lines, then don’t bother saying it at all. Or pick up the goddamn phone. Yet he continues writing these thesis-length missives, of which I read the first line, then delete…and delete again…until I finally block his email.

Of course, instead of listening, instead of taking a hint, he throws a tantrum, and writes me from another email address. It’s another long one. Didn’t read it. As soon as I realized who sent it, I reported it as spam. Hopefully the spam police beat him to death with their billy clubs. Save me the effort.

I guess this leads me to ask, why? Can a musician in a band (note, I never insulted his music, though I might say now he listened to a little too much Emerson Lake and Palmer in the womb) whose claim to fame is a MySpace profile really think that much of themselves? Does one really believe a degree from any university makes their shit not stink? Does any musician worth the weight of their string actually believe their genre of music is the hardest? And hold other genres in little respect? (Really now, to write a great piece of music, no matter the genre, takes a lifetime of pain, or experience. And to think otherwise is nothing short of, well, a racism of sorts…genre-ism…bigotry…the MySpace lad might as well wear a white sheet over his head ready to lynch the blues, rock, CW, folk, etc., and so on.)

I hope not. Because if this were true we are in a sadder shape than even I first believed.

And wow…I don’t have much faith.

Except perhaps in dogs…

(and the Replacements)